I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m a trans guy, and I am really into the gay cruising culture. I want to participate so badly, but I’m not sure how to navigate it or if it would be safe for me. I’m totally fine with rejection if a guy isn’t into me, but the safety/explanation part makes me hesitant. I have been cruised and hit on many times before, and did things to them. But because I am a big, beefy, bearded cis-assumed trans guy, and the general no-talking, anonymous aspect to cruising, I turned down the offer for reciprocity because I couldn’t outright have the conversation on site. I want to have gender euphoric hot public hookups, so how do I go about navigating cruising safely as a trans man?
—Cruising While Trans
Dear Cruising While Trans,
First things first: Let’s acknowledge there’s always an element of danger when cruising, regardless of whether you’re cisgender or transgender. But that’s what cruising is all about, baby—the thrill of boning a stranger in a strange place! Your heart starts racing, and you feel physiologically heightened. For many, this fear intensifies our arousal and leads to a passionate sexual fervor. (In other words, it makes us feral.)
Since there is no surefire way to cruise safely, and there is an increased risk of potential violence because you are trans, I need you to be honest with yourself: Are you okay stepping foot into a potentially unsafe sexual scene? If someone groped you without asking first, would you find that hot—or triggering?
I’ve had countless friends who’ve wanted to get involved in cruising culture, but I have needed to discourage a few of them, because I’ve already seen them respond uncomfortably and hesitantly to sexual advances in a consent-forward sex space. If they found those interactions uncomfortable, then they’re definitely going to find cruising culture extremely triggering. It’s just not for them, and that’s okay!
But if you can confidently accept the risks, then yes, cruise—suck those peens! And let’s get them sucking and fucking you, too.
I reached out to Kabir (Bear) Brown, a trans man and sex educator, to see if he had any specific advice on whether you should disclose being transgender while cruising and, if so, how.
Bear says: “I don’t think it’s our responsibility to share that we’re trans, and I’m sorry that we even have to ask ourselves this question.” However, he notes that sharing that you’re trans may make you feel more present and less anxious. “When I’m forthcoming about my concerns, and someone has a positive reaction, I get to lean into this sexy and thrilling experience even more, as opposed to being in my head the whole time,” he explains.
As for disclosure? Yes, you absolutely can have the conversation on-site.
Bear says that it can be something as simple as: “‘Hey, before this goes further, I wanna let you know that I’m a trans man,’ followed by saying whatever you want to about your genitals.”
Most likely, one of two things will happen. He’ll say he’s still down (and potentially even more excited now). Or he’ll say he doesn’t want to hook up with you. If that’s the case, you reply, “No problem,” and then you head to the next guy.
It may be helpful to set parameters of care for yourself if someone reacts poorly, Bear adds. “Ask yourself ahead of time what you would need if someone has a bad reaction to disclosing. Maybe bring a buddy with you? Have a regular cruising spot that you’re familiar with?” Do whatever you need to do to feel safer and make the rejection sting a little less.
In time, disclosing will become easier. “The more practice we get doing it, the more casual it can start to feel,” says Bear.