In my two years as a sex worker, countless men have sought my services to heal from body shame: specifically, dissatisfaction with their penis size.
Take one client I’ll call Jack (not his real name). When the 20-something professional reached out to me, he was seeking a mommy/son role-play. But several sessions in, it became clear that he had concerns about the size of his cock and his ability to pleasure a woman—and he wanted “mommy’s” approval.
As he opened up about his shame, I learned that like many young men, Jack grew up watching a steady stream of porn and had fallen into the comparison trap. Sure, his dick wasn’t the biggest I’d ever seen, but it also wasn’t the smallest; it was perfectly normal, and I made sure to reassure Jack every chance I got. Our sessions made him understand—and more importantly, believe—that his penis was enough as as, and that his size had no bearing on his ability to be good in bed.
There’s a story about sex work that’s not often told: Sex work can be healing work. From helping process grief to boosting body confidence, I am part therapist, part pleasure provider, and part healer for my clients.
“Penis-related anxieties are common,” says Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist and author of The Happy Human Playbook. “Being able to turn to a non-judgmental, supportive live human can be transformative. Men report that sessions with sex workers can heal traumas, quell anxieties and help give them confidence in their relationships and social interactions.”
Jordan*, 26, says the shame he used to feel about his penis was taking a toll on his dating life. “I was really self-conscious about my penis and the size of it,” he remembers. “Even when I was sexting with a woman, I would never send full-body nudes because I didn’t like the way I came out in them. I couldn’t even stand to see myself fully naked.”
When he could no longer stand his discomfort in his own skin, Jordan decided to hire a sex worker in the hope they could help him feel better about his size. He went in hoping for a boost in self-acceptance, but just how much he walked away with was a total surprise.
Jordan’s first session was with a sex work provider named Cori*, who knew going in that his goal was to get more comfortable with his body. They agreed to a Dom/sub interaction to help Jordan give up control and face his insecurities head-on. “I was very new, so I was nervous, but she was very helpful in guiding me,” he says.
When Jordan arrived at Cori’s location, she had him strip down and hang out naked. “She wanted me to get out of my comfort zone and become more comfortable with my body,” he says, recalling that he kept on apologizing, and she told him to stop. “I explained to her how I felt about my body and penis while we smoked together,” Jordan says. “Eventually, she had me stand up in front of a mirror. She had me really look at my body without turning away, and had me describe my body. When I began to put myself down, we engaged in some CBT [cock and ball torture, a kink that involves consensually applying pain to the genitals].”
“I left her session feeling extremely relaxed.”
Penis shame is often linked to societal norms around gender and genitals—think: my penis what makes me a “real man”—and kink play (such as CBT) can help challenge these harmful ideas, says Carol Queen, Ph.D., Good Vibrations staff sexologist and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book.
For many guys, “the penis becomes a focus because the sexual side of sex-role stereotyping so focuses on it,” Queen says. “It gives the penis power—but then a person thinks their penis has to live up to it.” If they have a gender identity issue, their relationship with their penis might be even more fraught. CBT can feel like a relief because the pain and humiliation is consonant with the feelings someone has about their penis in the first place, Queen says. (She notes that this isn’t necessarily true for everyone—don’t go rushing into CBT thinking it’ll be an instant anxiety cure. Therapy is probably a better place to start.)
Queen adds that CBT and other forms of kink can change the way we’re used to focusing on the penis during sex. “That might be a really freeing thing to some who have anxiety—it doesn’t matter whether the penis is big or small, hard or soft, or whatever,” she says. “It’s still the focus, it’s still fun to play with, and it can experience all kinds of sensations.”
Cori smacked Jordan’s penis while giving him words of affirmation, and helped him realize he had been judging his body through a lens distorted by viewing a lot of porn. “I left her session feeling extremely relaxed and starting to feel better about myself and accepting of my body,” Jordan says.
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Over time, Jordan continued to see Cori, as well as other sex work providers. “I became much less timid and got more comfortable flirting with women—and not overthinking,” he says. Meeting with sex workers also helped him realize how much he enjoyed providing oral sex. “I got more confident in my skills and my performance anxiety went away. I also became a much better communicator, due to my confidence—which also led to a decrease in performance anxiety.”
Some guys turn to online sex workers to reap the same healing benefits. As a sex work provider, content creator, and studio head for Step House, Valentina Bellucci receives a lot of requests for “dick ratings” during her Skype shows or on OnlyFans. (Dick ratings are when men pay for an honest dick pic critique.) What surprises Bellucci most is that a lot of men compare their junk to the biggest cocks in the porn industry and think they won’t be able to satisfy women if their size is not at least near the biggest guy in porn.
Bellucci tries to give the men honest feedback that will set them up for success in the bedroom. If they’re average-sized guys who dream of being bigger, she assures them that bigger isn’t always better. “I told a few guys: think about having a girlfriend with extremely huge boobs, something like EEE. Would it be fun? Maybe for some of them, but most guys, when you ask them about boobs, they will say ‘average’ or ‘slightly above average.’” If a guy is truly on the smaller side of the penis spectrum, Bellucci says he needs to remember that the G-spot is located just a few inches inside the vagina.
She’s found that her assurances don’t always work—at first. Guys will say, “I saw your movies and I noticed how much you like big dicks, so don’t lie to me,” or, “I appreciate you saying this, but I still feel like my dick is too small.” When clients press Bellucci for more feedback, she tells them that vaginas come in different sizes, too. “I know BBW performers who don’t like anything bigger than 6″, and a few petite models who are probably less than 5′ tall and love to take dicks over 8″. It happens.” Eventually, men will say things like, “Oh, wow, I never thought about it this way.”
Whether men meet with a sex worker in person or online, it’s important to have a sense of trust and safety in the provider—especially if guys are trying to overcome anxiety, Hall says. “Asking questions about a sex worker’s experience around your desired goals can assure you get the assistance you’re hoping for and prevent disappointments,” she says.
It’s completely valid that some men get stuck in their head about what’s between their legs. That’s the world we live in. But I pinky-swear promise: Size doesn’t matter to most partners. And if you’re feeling inadequate about the size of your peen, going to a sex worker may help.
*Names have been changed to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.
Ryn Pfeuffer
Ryn Pfeuffer is a queer sex and relationships writer, and over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, Shape, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, and WIRED.
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