I Want to Confront My Friend’s Children About Their Atrocious Lack of Manners

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I believe manners are how we show respect for others. I’ve always taught my sons (12 and 9) to, at the very least, respond to a greeting from adults. At their current ages, I expect them to do this when they encounter adults they know and/or the parents of their friends when I am not around. However, a close friend’s children the same age as mine have never once responded when I greet her kids and she’s not there. If I see them walking to or from school, I always say hello, but they do not acknowledge me. Not even a mumbled “hi.” Not even a hint of a smile. Not once.

I find it unbelievably rude. The other kids I’ve known for years either initiate greeting or respond with a hello and a smile. Even the kids I know are painfully shy or on the autism spectrum seem capable of some acknowledgement. Since this has not bothered my friend all this time, I’ve kept my mouth shut about it for years. But they are getting older now and their age won’t excuse their rudeness much longer. I’ve noticed they are like this with other parents they know too. Am I expecting too much here? Should I say something to them? To her? If it was my kids, I would want to know.

—It Takes a Village

Dear Village,

Sometimes a village is needed, but I don’t think this particular situation needs you.

There could be all kinds of reasons why your friend’s kids behave the way they do.
You don’t know for certain that they aren’t neurodivergent or very shy. They might believe that they aren’t supposed to talk to adults without their own parent present. They also just might not like you? You might make them uncomfortable! I remember being nervous around some of my friends’ parents; I grew out of it, in most cases, but sometimes an adult would make me very ill at ease and I couldn’t have explained why. I don’t know what’s going on with your friend’s kids, whether they have legitimate cause to act this way or not, and I get that you would feel better if they said hello. But I am fairly confident that you confronting or lecturing your friend or her children over this will not go particularly well or lead to some important transformation.

Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that it’s not some understandable social anxiety or neurodivergence or personal discomfort or totally typical tweens-not-really-wanting-to-talk-to-their-parents’-friends; let’s say it is just an issue of “rudeness.” You’re not their parent. We’re typically taught or not taught manners, according to our individual capacity and level of social comfort, by repeated modeling and instruction from those close to us—we don’t base our behavior on the fact that one of our mom’s friends lost patience with us the one time.
You’re entitled to your feelings about not being greeted, but I would suggest that you not let a relatively tiny thing like your friend’s kids not chit-chatting with you on their way home from school bother you overmuch, if you can help it. Instead, maybe try to be the kind of understanding, nonjudgmental friend who your friend can come to if she ever does need a villager.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am an ex-Jehovah’s Witness, and unfortunately, that means that my family and friends who are Jehovah’s Witnesses have to shun me. I am an identical triplet, and losing my sisters has been an absolute nightmare. It’s been a year and I’ve started to move on, but a frustrating situation has arisen. My father is not (and never was) a Jehovah’s Witness. I mentioned to him recently that I would like to come and visit him. I suggested that I stay in a hotel for my mother’s sake (she is shunning me). He insisted that I stay with them, since he doesn’t approve of the shunning at all. We both agreed that I would wait to book my plane tickets until after he had a conversation with my mom about it.

In the meantime, I mentioned to my never-Jehovah’s Witness half-brother that I was going to go visit my dad. My half-brother freaked out and told me I was wrong for going to visit since it would upset our mother, and said that if my sisters, mother, and extended family are shunning me, I need to respect that. I became very upset and ended the conversation. He called my mother to warn her.

All of the pain of the past year came flooding back. I left due to the poor handling of abuse I experienced in the group and the widespread coverup of abuse that has recently brought legal trouble to the organization. The rejection by my entire community for speaking up for the defenseless was confusing and heartbreaking. My own mother told me she would never speak to me again because she “chooses Jehovah.” Everyone went behind my back to try to expel me before I could leave so I wouldn’t influence others to follow. My own mother called the leaders of my congregation to accuse me of apostasy, knowing it would mean that I could never be welcomed back and she would never talk to me again. I can respect their beliefs and not participate in them, but they are mandated not to do the same for me since I’m a former member who speaks out about my lack of belief.

My dad is now bargaining with my mother. She’s okay with me dropping by the house when she’s not home, but says I can’t stay the night. My father is 78 years old and disabled, so he doesn’t have many bargaining chips. He wants to keep trying, but at this point, I’m ready to throw in the towel. Do I just stay at their house against her wishes (but in favor of my dad’s), or book a hotel room and call it a day? I hate the idea of participating in my own shunning by acknowledging the practice, but at the end of the day, I just want to see my dad.

—Angry Apostate

Dear Angry,

It’s so unfair that you have to navigate this painful situation just to see your father, which you have every right to do. Whatever you decide, know that you are not “participating in your own shunning”—you are a victim of it; you did not instigate or choose it. Please don’t shoulder that responsibility on top of everything else. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Obviously, this situation is deeply distressing and will be no matter where you stay when you visit your dad. I would try to think about what you personally will be most comfortable with, and make the decision based on that. How much does it matter to you to stay at the house? Is the risk of confrontation or further emotional fallout worth it to you? Do you want to go ahead and try to stay there, or would you prefer to visit with your father at home (or somewhere else, even) during the day, and then have the ability to go to your own space, a hotel room, at night?

Other possibilities: You mentioned that your dad is disabled and implied that he relies on your mother; could he perhaps try telling your mom that if she’s not home, he needs you there to help? Or could he perhaps go stay with you at a hotel or rental for two or three days, so you two will have more time together and not have to worry about possibly sharing a roof with or having to confront your mother?

This shouldn’t be so hard. But since it is the situation you’re dealing with, at least for now, and you still want to visit and spend time with your father, I would focus on that goal. Do what you need to do to see him, with the least possible amount of stress for both of you.

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From this week’s letter, I Told My Friends Why I Suspect Their Kid Has Struggled in School. They Ignored Me.: “I wanted to say, “Have you ever had your child evaluated?”

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three daughters, aged 13, 10, and 7. My 10-year-old, Aimee, was born with a congenital birth defect that left her with some mobility issues. She’s had surgeries over the years and is currently recovering from the latest one.

Every year, my kids spend a week with my parents while my husband and I go on a kid-free vacation. My kids love spending time with their grandparents and always look forward to this. My parents have helped out since they were babies, and they understand Aimee’s mobility issues and what works best for her. Following this most recent surgery, her mobility needs have changed drastically. She no longer needs as much support—it’s still probably a good idea to take her wheelchair if she’s going somewhere where one may be expected to stand for long periods of time, like a museum or on a hike, but it’s much different than before, when anything more 70 steps without resting was too much for her. Aimee does not want us to tell my parents about her new mobility change. Her reasoning is that they’ll assume that means that she no longer needs any support, and they won’t think to pack her wheelchair to go to places where it won’t be needed.

My parents can be a bit stubborn and sometimes struggle to take children seriously, so if that idea were to enter their heads I could see that it would be difficult for Aimee to stand up for her needs. They also try too hard to be “fun” grandparents, always trying to bend rules. Despite our daughter’s insistence, for example, they did not believe that my oldest wasn’t allowed to eat certain foods with her braces on, until they called me and confirmed. Even though we’ve had issues in the past, we’ve been willing to let them slide, knowing that if something serious comes up the kids will be able to call us. But this feels a bit more serious than the other things we’ve dealt with in the past.

I feel weird about not letting my parents know. On one hand, it feels weird lying to them when they’re going to be taking care of Aimee for a week and the news we’re withholding would be good news and require less work for them. On the other hand, I don’t want Aimee to be stranded somewhere, and I can see my parents being forgetful about this. They’ve been very understanding of Aimee’s needs in the past, but I could see “Aimee is doing better” easily being misinterpreted as “Aimee doesn’t need her wheelchair anymore.”

—How to Handle?

Dear How to Handle,

You should tell your parents the truth about your child’s needs, because they need to know if she’s going to be in their care, and this does not seem like the kind of thing you can or should hide from them indefinitely. It’s certainly not great that they didn’t listen to your child about the foods to avoid with braces—it sounds like you do need to have a serious conversation with them about the importance of listening to and believing your kids.

You also say that they called and checked in with you, and believed you when you confirmed what your kid was saying about the forbidden foods. And you mentioned that they’ve always been good about understanding Aimee’s mobility issues and supporting her in the past. So if you, her parents, are frank about her current capacity and needs with your parents ahead of the visit, and emphasize the fact that she does still need her wheelchair in certain situations and they should bring it along just in case, history suggests that they will listen to you. Be clear and explicit about everything—if you’re worried that they’ll hear “Aimee is doing better” as “Aimee is completely cured,” don’t leave any room for doubt; tell them that’s not what it means! You can also point out that she is still recovering from surgery, and part of that recovery depends on her doing what her doctors have told her and not overreaching.

If you’ve trusted your parents with Aimee’s care in the past, and have left the kids with them for an entire week every year, I don’t see a real reason to choose not to trust them now. While you’re away enjoying kid-free time, keep communication open—check in with Aimee and all your kids, as well as your parents. It’s okay to do this a little more frequently, especially since she did have surgery recently. Make sure Aimee knows she can always call or text you if she needs to, for any reason. If you have any concerns at all about how your parents are handling the week with the kids or Aimee’s needs, don’t shove it down or worry about keeping the peace—speak up right away, and be willing to cut your trip short if necessary (but I doubt it will be!). I do think honesty is the better policy here—you can hear and validate your child’s worries, and do your utmost to try to address any potential issues with your parents, without lying.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We have kids who are all in their 20s. The older two love to travel, the youngest one hates it. My wife and I planned an international vacation this summer and gave the youngest one the option of coming. Not only does he not want to go, he wants my wife to not go so that he doesn’t miss fun family time.

He says he is not scared of staying home alone. He has an internship and a test to take while we are gone. He doesn’t want an additional vacation later in the summer. We have tried to reason with him to no avail. My wife (who did most of the vacation planning) is distraught and seriously considering not going. We are usually a very close family. I’m angry and don’t know how to talk to my son about this.

—Should She Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

I’m not sure if you knew about your son’s test or internship when you scheduled the trip. If you did, and wanted him to go with you, it would have been good to ask him for input before making firm plans. Whatever the case may be, it sounds like he has a conflict and also doesn’t want to travel this summer, and he’s an adult who can make that decision if he wants. I don’t fully understand why he is trying to prevent your wife from going! But unless you have actual concerns about leaving him alone during that time, I think it’s fine to stick with the plan and have everyone else go as planned, including your wife.

It’s okay to be frustrated and angry about him trying to pressure your wife to stay home. Maybe, when tempers cool a bit, you can try to talk with him and find out what’s behind that? It might also be worth asking whether there is some other travel window that could work better for him; maybe he could join for just part of the time, so he doesn’t miss out entirely. If he says no, he still can’t or won’t go with you, I think you can calmly tell him that you accept his decision, and he should accept that you’re all still planning to go on vacation. It doesn’t make sense for others to miss out on the trip just because he doesn’t want to go.

— Nicole

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