If you start to feel like your person isn’t even trying, it’s worth talking about your dynamic. We all have certain ideas about how our relationship can (and should!) satisfy our wants and needs, Dr. Kuburic says. However, if you’re fully committed to making your relationship work, then ignoring the realities of your partner’s current situation will only make the both of you feel worse—which leads to my next point.
2. It’s a good idea to focus on yourself.
I’ve always enjoyed my solitude, but dating a med student has forced me to become my own best friend, for better or worse. I have more coloring books than I have storage for; I’ve learned the species of just about every tree in my neighborhood on my solo jaunts; and I’m now an avid LEGO builder. Although I frequently wish I had someone to do these activities with, I’ve begun to switch my mindset from “I have to do it alone,” to “I get to do it alone”—and Dr. Kuburic says this is a good route to take. “It’s almost like doing long distance…. Instead of putting your life on pause until they’re done, take that time to self-focus,” she says—that way, you feel like you’re still growing as a person and you can avoid resenting your partner.
Maybe you want to put more energy into your own career, or finally take up that adult karate class you’ve been itching to try. Whatever it is, make sure it brings you joy, and don’t forget that these activities might help you find friends and emotional support outside your partnership—which I know is easier said than done. When my boyfriend started med school, I moved with him to a state where I didn’t know anyone, so I found a dance studio where I now teach classes, and I’ve nailed down a solid FaceTime schedule with friends and family across the country. But find your own groove! “Making friends is so hard as an adult…[but] the fact that we’re all lonely can be really comforting,” Dr. Kuburic says. “Sometimes we’re expecting others to make the first move, [but] I always suggest that people just do it. Worst that can happen is someone won’t be interested!”
3. Don’t take your partner’s coping strategies personally.
One of the hardest and most eye-opening lessons I’ve learned is that everyone deals with stress differently. Duhhhh, I know, but when you’re in the thick of it, things can get a bit…confusing. For example, I like to relax by cuddling on the couch, while my partner just shuts down, falling asleep for an hour before hitting the books again. It hurt—a lot—when I realized that he couldn’t really decompress with me—either in active conversation or comforting silence. But after talking things through, I learned that it really isn’t about me and I just cannot force him to rest in the way I want him to. Plus, my inability to accept how he manages the daily pressure was only making it worse for him and, by default, me too. “Without realizing it, we want to save our partner from their stress, [but] we need to trust their capacity to do so” on their own, Dr. Kuburic says. “If they need help, they can reach out. Otherwise, we’re just there to support them, and we don’t need to internalize what they’re going through.”